How-To For Talls: Talking To Shorties

How-To For Talls: Talking To Shorties

For Talls, talking with Shorties can be tough. To begin with, we don’t know anything about them. We don’t know what they eat, we don’t know how they sleep, we don’t know where they shop; they might as well be mythical creatures—like tiny fairies. But speak with them we must. Mostly because it’s good for Tall PR, but also because (let’s face it) Shorties are human too.

Step 1: Introduce yourself

Don’t – ask them if they are an Oompa Loompa

When meeting a Shortie, simply introduce yourself as you would to a normal person. Try a simple, yet firm handshake and an “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Do not become afraid and resist the urge to stampede. Do not begin by calling them nicknames such as Oompa Loompa, Mini-Me, fun-sized, half pint, midget, or armrest. Remember how much you hate your tall person nick names? Shorties feel the same way about theirs.

Step 2: Inconspicuously sink to conversational level

Don’t – squat super low

After calmly introducing yourself, you may find it easiest to sink, slightly and inconspicuously, to arrive at a more conversational level and to avoid looming. This is commonly referred to as the “casual sink.” Shorties of all sizes express great distaste for this practice, but let’s face it—sometimes it’s hard to follow the conversation from way up here. To avoid conflict, it is therefore best to make this practice as inconspicuous as possible.

How-To For Talls: Talking To Shorties

Step 3: Make small talk—I mean, casual conversation

Don’t – remind them how short they are

If you’ve made it past introductions and the “casual sink,” then things are off to a good start. Don’t blow it now. Instead, maintain focus and continue in casual conversation. Discuss things such as the weather, non-political current events, or, if you dare, the Shorty’s occupation. However, carefully avoid any accidental reminder of how short they are, such as asking if they are a jockey, play miniature golf, have trouble reaching things, or like scrubbing the floor.

Step 4: Maintain eye contact

Don’t – gaze over their head aloofly

If you make it past introductions, the casual sink, and manage to continue in casual conversation, rejoice and reward yourself with a TallSlim Tee; but do it later, for now—maintain eye contact. Shorties can be offended by the smallest things (and for good reason). Don’t look too far to their left, nor to their right, nor too low, and by no means whatsoever look to high. To gaze over their tiny bodies as if they are the dwarves they are is the greatest offense.

Step 5: Wave good-bye

Don’t – pat their head good-bye

You have made it. Now, just wave goodbye. Don’t pat their head, pinch their cheek, or air-hug the space above their head goodbye. Just wave.

Congratulations on successfully talking to a Shorty. Now go get yourself a TallSlim Tee.